Moments of Initiative
by Lucinda
Summary: Graham has questions about certain events. Willow helps him understand and sort out his feelings.  S4 spoilers. Puzzle Pieces & Experiments are PG 13.
1. Sidekick vs Backup

Moments of Initiative   
  
Sidekick vs Backup   
  
Author: Lucinda   
rating: pg? pg 13?   
Main Characters: Graham Miller, Willow Rosenberg   
Disclaimer: I own nobody from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.   
Distribution: Bite Me, please?, NHA, WWW, WillowGraham... anyone else, just ask.   
  
  
  
Graham Miller had just learned something that had turned things upside down. Again. When he was eighteen, he had discovered that vampires and demons were real. That every time he'd been reassured that the monsters of horror movies didn't exist, it had been a lie. There were demons and vampires. Probably magic as well. He still remembered what had caused his cherished notion that vampires didn't exist to shatter...  
  
He could still remember that terrible night when he had discovered that there were really things that went bump in the night. This unhappy discovery had happened when a group of his friends had been out at some cabins by the lake and had been attacked by vampires. What had been intended as a celebration of graduation had ended in tragedy. They had been attacked by a groups of what he'd first thought were crazed people, but then he'd seen their eyes, yellow under heavy brows, seen the sharp teeth with his best friend Russell's blood flowing down the face of the inhuman thing that had just ripped his throat open. He had panicked, and found himself yelling and flailing, and then Katie had slipped, and he'd had to help her back to the cabin, and they had gotten in, along with his cousin Todd and Donnie and a girl he barely knew called Annie. The vampires had been unable to follow. He didn't understand why they couldn't enter the cabin, but he had been too grateful to complain. And too busy shaking with fear.   
  
He had joined the Army to learn enough about fighting that he would never be unprepared for such a situation again, and that had prompted him to volunteer to join the Initiative when it was founded last year. He had come to accept that there were things out there that no human could fight on even terms. That was why they used tasers and other heavy firepower.   
  
He had made a few friends in the Initative, Riley Finn and Forrest Gates. They were on the same team in the field, although they had separate duties once they were back to base. Forrest consulted with the various researchers, Riley worked with administration, and he did repair work, making certain the equipment all functioned properly. They worked well together, each giving a certain strength to the group. Things didn't go as well if anyone wasn't feeling well, or had been temporarily replaced by someone else. They were a team, perhaps the most practiced and smoothest team of the Initiative. They were aware of each other, and could generally predict each other's behavior. They depended on each other.   
  
Riley had told them that Dr. Walsh wanted to run a few tests on some of the Hostiles, which was the official designation of the vampires and demons. He was explaining how Dr. Walsh had theorized that with proper behavior modification, the Hostiles could be trained to be useful instead of dangerous. Forrest had scoffed at the idea, saying that it was as crazy as the Slayer Myth. Neither Riley nor Graham had heard of it, so Forrest had proceeded with great amusement to tell about how demons feared 'the Slayer', who was a girl, or woman, that had been somehow given the power to fight and kill vampires and demons. One girl that could kick their asses. Sort of like the demon's version of a boogeyman. That idea had seemed absurd, impossible, and entirely beyond the possibilities of science. How could any human, especially a girl or woman fight these demons? They were stronger and faster than humans, and many were poisonous as well.   
  
Actually, it turned out the Slayer wasn't a myth. She was Riley's new girlfriend, Buffy Summers. Buffy, who barely reached Riley's shoulder, was supposed to be able to take down a vampire in hand to hand combat. It boggled his mind. That didn't sound like a normal person, it sounded more like the sort of thing you would expect from a superhero. Which she sounded like, judging from the stories about her past adventures that Riley had relayed to them. She had battled horrible and powerful demons. Buffy had stopped things from starting the Apocalypse, on several occasions. All with the aid of her high school librarian, and two friends from her grade, one of which was now a construction worker, and the other... actually, he had a class with Willow on European History.   
  
Willow was one of the people that helped Buffy. But it wasn't the same sort of help that he gave Riley, he was Riley's back-up, an ally of similar abilities. WIllow... if she wasn't a Slayer, what could she do? Wouldn't that make her more like a sidekick? How did she deal so calmly with all of this? He would never have imagined that Willow knew what lurked in the night from the way she appeared in class. He would have said that she was shy, a bit sheltered, the sort of person that was overlooked or unpopular in high school. The sort that would either faint or have hysterics when confronted with a demon. But, from Riley's stories about Buffy's adventures, Willow had been fighting demons and vampires since she was fifteen.   
  
How did she do it? Not only stand against such horrible things, but... to do so beside someone that probably didn't need any help. Someone far more physically capable than Willow would ever be. How did she manage to live in the shadow of a superhero? What motivated her to put herself in danger like that?   
  
Maybe he could ask her.   
  
He decided to try to talk to her about it if he got the opportunity. Maybe he could use the excuse of asking to study something for history? That should work, and if they went to the library, they should even have a bit of privacy to talk without it being so isolated that she might feel threatened.   
  
He was so busy planning out how to talk to Willow that he missed a great deal of the lecture on the beginnings of the Napoleonic War. The good side was that he now had the perfect reason to talk to Willow, he could ask to get a copy of her notes. It was the perfect excuse to talk to her, and the fact that it was even true gave it strength. The down side... well, missing a lecture was never particularly good for his class work. There she was, now all he had to do was...   
  
He bumped into her, hoping it would be perceived as an accident among all the students crowding out of the classroom. Only, he seemed to bump a bit hard, and she went crashing to the ground, papers scattering to the ground around her. "Oh my God, I am sorry! I didn't mean... let me help you pick those up. Are you alright?"   
  
"I think I'm still in one piece... nothing broken but this pencil. umm... thanks... there should be a handout? Names, and dates... and you're one of Riley Finn's friends, aren't you? Graham?" Her eyes were focused on Graham, full of questions and mysterious thoughts.   
  
If he could understand the mysteries in her eyes... He shook his head slightly, reminding himself that he wasn't here to stare at lovely green eyes. "I... didn't catch all of the notes today. Maybe... could I convince you to let me make copies of yours?" Internally, Graham winced. That had sounded absolutely terrible. Why would she ever let him use her notes when he had just knocked her down?   
  
"I guess I could let you make copies. umm... I think there's a copy machine in the library. I have some time before my next class, if you'd like..."   
  
He was delighted as they made their way to the campus library. She would let him have copies of her notes, and she was talking to him. That was good, it meant that maybe he could ask her about the whole Slayer/sidekick situation. As soon as they had a bit of privacy.   
  
After what had felt like forever getting the copies made, which would be good for his class grade, they moved to a small study cubicle towards the back, so that Willow could explain anything her notes didn't make clear.   
  
"So... how did you meet Buffy? Riley's had a lot to say about her, I have to admit it made me a bit curious." He was trying for neutral.   
  
She looked at him, her eyes suddenly piercing, as if she could see into the depths of his soul. After a short pause that lasted an eternity, she spoke, her voice soft, the words precisely shaped and without any emotion. "You're in the Initiative like he is, aren't you?"   
  
He felt stunned. Was he really that bad at keeping secrets? Did everyone know about them? Or had Buffy told her friends things just like Riley had told them? "Ahh... yes. What do you have against the Initiative?"   
  
She paused for a moment, a thoughtful expression on her face. "Since I highly doubt that there are two groups of people running around with highly advanced weapons technology wearing camouflage, I'm thinking it was some of your Initiative people that kicked my door in a while back. Which I had to pay a fine for, by the way, something that I am NOT happy about."   
  
He winced. "Sorry? But there... wasn't there... a Hostile?" The report had mentioned a student dorm entered in the attempted recovery of the escaped hostile. That had been Willow's room? Things couldn't be easy for him, could they?   
  
Her brows dipped slightly in apparent puzzlement. "Hostile? He was a vampire, and pretty cranky, but he didn't actually... oh, you call them hostiles for your paperwork and records. Why do I get the feeling it wasn't quite an accident that you bumped into me, Graham Miller?"   
  
Oh, she really was quick. He shifted a bit, feeling decidely guilty. "No, it wasn't quite an accident, although I didn't mean for you to fall. I... I wanted to ask you a few questions. Partly about Buffy... and partly about how you work together."   
  
"Why? You're a military group with high tech equipment and a funding budget. Why do you want to ask about how we do things?"   
  
"I'm not asking on behalf of the Initiative. It's just... some of what Riley's said makes Buffy sound like some sort of superhero. How do you work with someone like that? Somebody that can do things that you'll never be able to do? Riley hasn't got any field skills that I don't have, not really. Same equipment, similar targeting accuracy... same with the others on our team. But... none of us can fight a hostile hand to hand. We're partners, and it sounds sort of like you're more of a... sidekick." He hoped that didn't sound quite as bad to her as it did to him.   
  
She sighed, her fingers starting to trace patterns on the top of the table. "Sort of. We... most of the time, we help do research, or planning. I do a lot on the computer, you know, getting information of mauled bodies and icky details. Then, we help plan out the strategy, and let Buffy go kill it."   
  
"How do you stand it? I mean, doesn't that put you in her shadow?" He wanted to understand.   
  
"I can deal with that. I'm perfectly comfortable not being the center of attention. I really haven't ever been the focus... so that isn't really a change. But... if I do this, I'm helping make a difference, even if only for people who will never know. Does that make any sense? I mean, how could I live with myself knowing that I could be helping save lives, but I didn't want to give up a little time here and there to help?"   
  
"I suppose... I never looked at it quite like that."   
  
"How do you look at it, Graham? Why did you join the Initiative?" She looked curious, as if he was a mystery she had to explore.   
  
"The summer after I graduated, I was at a lake with a group of friends. We had a bonfire, and we were just... having a bit of fun. The, these guys showed up, and started a fight, and the next thing I knew, they... they weren't human, and they were killing us. I panicked, Willow. I had no idea what to do, and I panicked. It was a miracle that I didn't get killed. I never wanted to be that helpless in the face of danger again. When the Initiative was formed, I figured that it would help me get over it, that big feeling..." His words slowed and halted, as he tried to figure out how to describe the feeling that the discovery of demons had caused in him.   
  
"A feeling that this can't be real, that it's too horrible, too ugly to be possible? That you don't want the things that go bump in the night to be more than a foraging raccoon? That there is no monster in the closet?" Her words were soft, almost gentle.   
  
He could only nod, wondering how she knew how it felt.   
  
"It gets easier after a while. But... if it helps, we've never found a closet monster before. It's sort of like... when you realized that there are people out there that do bad things to girls who go out alone. It's horrible, and at first, you don't want to believe, but eventually, you can't deny it anymore. It's sort of loosing a type of innocence."   
  
He sighed, having partly thought it would be something like that. "It isn't fun."   
  
"No, it isn't. And nobody can make it so you don't know about these things once you learn. But... if you need to talk to someone? You can talk to me." She had a small smile.   
  
Maybe things wouldn't be quite as bad. Maybe she could help him find some sense in all of this. Or at least, help him keep a measure of hope in the face of the dark.   
  
  
end. 


	2. Puzzle Peices

Author: Lucinda  
Main Characters: Graham, Willow  
rating: pg 13  
Disclaimer: I own nobody from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. There is mention of Michael Jackson & the Rockettes - I don't own either.  
Distribution: Bite Me, please?, NHA, WWW, WillowGraham... anyone else, just ask.  
note :words inside colons: are a person over the telephone.

He was still turning over the events of last nights patrol sweep. Forrest had noticed a cave, sort of off the main area, but with a small trail going inside, similar to what game animals would wear into the greenery. But this place was infested with demons, you should never assume that a path was made by something as harmless as small wild animals. They had gone to check the cave, to make certain it wasn't the lair for HST's, which stood for Hostile Sub-Terrestrial, because you couldn't call them demons.

They had been idiots. They should have reported the cave, should have asked and waited for back up before going closer. Except, they had been overconfident. He and Forrest were both highly trained military professionals, armed with state of the art equipment. What could there be to hurt them?

He still didn't know what it had been. It had looked like some sort of modern day Frankenstein's monster, like parts of human and demon and a few bits of electronics had been pieced together and given life. Part of the face had looked human, and even worse, the face had reminded him of one of the Initiative soldiers that had fallen in line of duty that spring. The poor guy had his guts slashed open by something like a bipedal opossum, and had bled to death in the Initiative medical facility. He had also recognized the long bone spike that had emerged from the left arm, running Forrest through like an ox on a spit.

They had recently captured a demon with bone spikes like that, something called a Pollar... no, Polger, wait, a Polgara demon. Buffy had asked about it's habits and motivations, but her questions had been ignored. Dr. Walsh had also been most particular about wanting it with the bone spikes intact, she had claimed it was so that they could research it's 'defensive adaptations' or something like that. The Polgara wasn't in the holding corridor anymore, it had vanished a few days ago.

It also bothered him that the thing that had killed Forrest had seemed to know the exact range and capabilities of their weapons. And the fact that it had what appeared to be a floppy disk drive on it's... his chest. It was obvious to anyone that this thing wasn't the result of nature, or whatever process normally created demons. Someone had deliberately put that thing together. Had deliberately assembled him out of parts from a human being, several demons, and some electronics.

What possible reason could the person responsible have had? Why would a person do such a terrible thing? Build such a creature?

It didn't help that he was under orders not to discuss the 'incident' with anyone else in the Initiative. Orders! Who could he possibly tell that would believe him?

An image slowly rose to the surface of his mind. Green eyes and a soft smile. Willow. He could talk to Willow about this. After all, they had been meeting regularly to study their History, and occasionally discuss a few demons that had been sighted. Maybe she would be able to offer some insight to what sort of person could have built such a thing?

Quickly, before he could change his mind, he called her dorm room on the phone, carefully considering what he would say to her. He had a suspicion that the phone lines here were tapped, permitting even 'private' conversations to be overheard. He didn't want to let anyone else know how much Willow knew about the Initiative.

"Hey, Red." The greeting in itself was something of a code phrase between them. If he called her Red, it often meant that there was a demony question that he wanted to ask her, or something else relating to things that went bump.

:Hey yourself, you tasty cracker. Got a problem with part of your history again? Honestly, how were you passing before I started studying with you?: The words were spoken lightly, but she only called him a tasty cracker when Buffy was around. For some reason the idea of him being a tasty cracker made the Slayer wince, and Willow enjoyed teasing her room mate a bit.

"Yeah. Remember that guy we were supposed to learn about in class today? What's-his-name?" By saying that he had trouble remembering the guy, he was telling Willow that he needed to talk about a particular nasty, instead of a strange location of occurrence. Even to himself, though, his voice sounded a bit... stilted.

:What's wrong? You sound a bit down.: He could almost picture the expression on her face, nibbling the corner of her lip, brows slightly tilted.

"I haven't... Forrest borrowed my notes for my Physics class, and he was supposed to bring them back yesterday. I haven't seen him." He was fairly certain that Willow would know that there was something else bothering him.

:Ah. No problem, met me for coffee at our usual spot, I got a friend in Physics, I can bring you a copy of her notes, and we can talk about that guy from History.: Her voice was thoughtful, and he could recognize that she had gone into problem solving mode.

"Sounds good. I'll be there in about twenty minutes. My turn to buy the coffee. See you, Red."

He had no idea what he would do if he couldn't talk to Willow about some of these things. When he had first approached her, he hadn't had any idea how much he would come to depend on her. He could talk to her about everything, about his family, about how upset he had been at his dad divorcing his mom and running off with a secretary barely older than Graham's oldest brother, about some of the things the Initiative was doing, about this cute girl in his Physics class... anything and everything. She might have been one of the few things that had helped keep him sane while not only hunting things that shouldn't exist, but pretending to be a 'normal college student' while doing so.

He was there, with coffee waiting when she showed up, a sheaf of papers in one hand. She gave a small wave when she saw him, sliding into the seat gracefully. "Hey, you look... horribly upset."

He could only nod. "I know exactly what happened to Forrest. I was there when... it happened. Last night." He could feel the raw grief threatening to overwhelm him, making his voice unsteady.

Passing him the pages, she let her hand rest on top of his. "Here, physics notes in case... since someone may have heard you mention. Now, we're going to talk about our history class for a while, and when you have a better grip, we will go out from here, and go for a nice little walk to somewhere more... private. Okay?" Her eyes were soft with compassion, like warm pools of green.

They talked about their history class for a while, at least, he assumed they did. He was trying to force the pain and grief and confusion into a solid box, strong enough to last for a while. Graham really wasn't paying attention, and he realized that it was obvious when Willow's last words caught his ear.

"... and then the naked green dancing girls went through, doing the Rockette's Can-Can. While they did, Michael Jackson confessed that he's really and truly made out of plastic now."

"Wha... what are you talking about?!? Na... green women doing the Can-Can? Was I that far out of it?" He felt the urge to laugh at the absurdity of the image that her words had conjured in his mind. "Okay, okay. I give, I yield, surrender even. I fling myself on your mercy."

"Good, you actually look like your mind is here in Sunnydale with your body. Let's go for a little walk." She slid out from the table, offering her arm to him. A casual observer might think they were dating.

They walked for a while, chatting absently about the recent weather, the local sports teams, and the current band playing at the Bronze. Eventually, their meandering took them to a residential section, full of impeccable houses along a quiet street. To Graham's surprise, Willow led him up the sidewalk to one, producing a key and opening the door, one hand gesturing for him to go inside.

"Hey... should we be here? Who's place is this, anyhow?" Graham suddenly felt his mind working again, questions piling inside his mind.

"No reason not to be here, I can promise it isn't bugged, and my parents own it. I think they should be in France about now, they were taking about a year to go tour Europe. So, private place to talk. Spill, I promise I'll listen."

"He... we'd split up into small groups, pairs really. We were looking for signs of Hostile activity... something Killed Dr. Walsh. We don't know what, I don't even know how, just that it was inside the labs... Inside our own damn lab. Something killed her, it was violent, it was painful... and it wasn't human. It killed her, whatever it was, and it vanished." He could hear his voice wobbling a bit, shaking with the tumult of emotions, both from now and remembered from last night.

"There was this little cave, with a path leading up to it. We went to check it out, should have called for back up. Didn't... oh God, we thought we could handle anything. It was there, and he came after us, all parts put together like a modern day Frankenstein's monster. He was parts of a man, and parts of demon... I think his arm came from the Polgara that Walsh had us capture for her. But... it had a disk drive on it, like some sort of... walking computer? Remote controlled killer? I don't know... He looked almost familiar, like someone who used to work with us, like he was made from parts of somebody I'd seen before." He needed to understand, had to understand. But, inside, he was afraid.

"So, someone built a monster out of spare parts? They... put together bits and pieces... Whoever it was wanted to build someone without any weaknesses? Maybe the drive was to insert some sort of electronic control programs, sort of like the behavioral chips that your doctors put into vampires?" Her voice was low, as if she didn't want to add to his anguish.

"Essentially. Built him... he was strong, and fast. He just... skewered Forrest as if... it didn't matter to him, there was no emotion. That made it all worse. At least a normal demon would have gloated a little, it would have mattered that my friend was dead. Does that make any sense?" He looked at her, desperate to see some understanding in her eyes.

"Yeah. It isn't that you want him dead, but... to be just... killed and dropped to the side makes it so... empty, like his whole life was just... wasted. I felt that way sometimes, when people got killed." Her eyes glittered with tears, and he knew that she was remembering her own losses, the people that she had cared for.

After a few moments of silence, Willow spoke again, her words slow, as if they were crawling from her lips. "Graham? I think... it sounds like... I think this monster was built in the Initiative labs. He's probably responsible for Killing Dr. Walsh. Someone built him, for some purpose, that probably wasn't in the actual mission statement, and he didn't follow orders, he wasn't under control, and got loose. Maybe even using parts from that guy you think he sort of looked like? I mean, that sounds really sick and twisted and horrible, but... there are people that would do that." Her voice tugged at something deep inside of him, a part that whispered that she was making sense.

"I hate it when something so wrong makes sense. It's unnatural, but... it fits. It fits with all the pieces. God, I wish it didn't fit... you're saying that we built him, that we're the ones who unleashed that.. thing. The Initiative."

"No, not you, not the other soldiers trying to make Sunnydale safer. This had to have been a doctor, one of the researchers. You didn't know, none of you did. How could you have known? But... if you want? I'll do what I can to help stop him." He could tell that she was trying to make him feel better.

"Points for effort. That makes sense, but... it doesn't make it feel better. Forrest is still... and that thing is still loose." His words were heavy with pain.

"You're hurting now because something terrible happened, and your friend is dead. Most of the time, dead is forever. Knowing who built the monster won't bring Forrest back. Destroying the monster won't bring Forrest back. A lot of your pain is because he's gone, not because there's a monster out there that got built in... someone's lab." Her words were filled with such insistent confidence that Graham had no choice but to believe her. After all, Willow was usually right anyhow.

end Puzzle Pieces.


	3. Experiment?

Author: Lucinda  
rating: pg 13?  
Main Characters: Willow, Graham  
Disclaimer: I own nobody from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  
Distribution: Bite Me, please?, NHA, WWW, WillowGraham... anyone else, just ask.

Graham knew that he was wandering aimlessly. It didn't stop him, he was just rambling around the campus. He wasn't even thinking about it. He was thinking about what had happened in the lab. He had seen ADAM again. More importantly, ADAM had talked, mainly to Riley, but he'd been in the room as well.

But it had been even worse. ADAM had said things, horribly disturbing things. He'd said that Dr. Walsh had created him, that he'd been her experiment. That he hadn't been her only experiment. ADAM had said that Dr. Walsh had been experimenting on them, giving them pills and drugs to change them. He'd called Riley his brother because of those pills and drugs. He'd known how Dr. Walsh had evaluated them, how she had been constantly testing and watching them.

What made it worse was the fact that he knew it had been true. He'd noticed a few interesting affects of the 'vitamins' provided to them. Provided to Dr. Walsh's preferred team. He'd put them down to just a better blend, and had avoided thinking about it. But... there was no way that ADAM would have known. And the more Graham had thought about it, the more he'd been able to place some of the demon parts as coming from some of the demons that they'd captured.

She had grafted demon parts and electronics onto the body of one of the Initiative soldiers. She had been experimenting, operating and dissection the demons. Experimenting on them as well. Had they been nothing more than test subjects to her? What all had she done to them? Had she envisioned a whole unit of ADAM's? A whole group? Maybe even an army of hybrid cyborgs?

His thoughts were a mess. But, what could he do about them? He couldn't change what Dr. Walsh had done. He didn't even know how to get rid of ADAM or if Riley would recover from being speared with that bone spike. He wasn't even sure how he felt about everything. Before, he'd taken pride in doing so well, running a bit faster, lifting a bit more than the other soldiers. Had that been just because she had given him experimental drugs? Had she done something that had changed him? Was he more like ADAM than he thought?

"Hey there. Earth to Graham?"

Looking over, he saw Willow, looking a bit frustrated. Had she been trying to get his attention? "Sorry... there was... there was a bit of a mess at..."

"You mean with Riley? I heard a few things about it from Buffy." She put her hand on his arm, trying to remind him that he wasn't alone.

"Feel up to listening to me babble between fits of zoning off into space? Everything's a mess right now..." He was actually quite serious. If Willow could help him sort out what had happened, help him put some pattern to these feelings...

"Yeah. We can go sit down and talk. Somewhere away from here... and away from Buffy and the others... she's really obsessing over Riley right now. He's a nice guy, but... I can only listen to Riley this and Riley that for so long, you know?"

He could just picture it. Buffy, pacing and fretting, her hair swinging as she fretted over Riley, and would he recover... "Yeah. Maybe you'd best lead so I don't zone off and walk in front of a car or something."

Graham placed his hand on her shoulder, and the next thing that he knew they were sitting inside of her parents house. She'd given him a glass of orange juice, and had sat on the couch beside him. He'd lost some time again... fortunate that he'd been with Willow.

"She built him. Dr. Walsh built ADAM, and he killed her, he killed Forrest... and now he's taken a stab at Riley. Taken a stab... oh, God..." Graham could feel himself shaking. The whole thing was like some horrible nightmare. He'd only just started to be able to think about the fact that someone had built ADAM when this happened. He felt like everything was falling to pieces around him. It hadn't been some random misguided person, it had been one of the Initiative's own scientist, his own mentor and guide that had done this.

He sat quietly, trying to figure out how to say the rest. How to put the horrible fears and implications into words. "ADAM said that Dr. Walsh had been giving Riley drugs, that Riley was one of her experiments as well. Riley was taking the same vitamins that I am, and they were supplied by the Initiative, by Dr. Walsh. Does that make me an experiment as well? Were we even people to her?"

She pulled her feet up, tucking them under her as she sat. "I really don't know. I mean, it's not like we can ask her anymore, and the Initiative computer system isn't connected to the main systems, or I could try to break into her records and see if she had anything saved, like notes or a journal or something..."

Looking over at her, Graham could tell she was serious. "Can you really do that? Are you that good? We have good security for our system..."

"There isn't a connection that I can use, or I'd look. If I could access the system... I could work with it. I'm good with computers. Nothing that I find would bring anyone back, but... maybe if she built him, there's a weak point that we can use? A design flaw?"

Hope rose inside of him, like a tide washing up on the beach. "I can get you access. Maybe... I can look for disks in her office. I need to know if she did something to me."

"Well, all I can do is try to get into her records. Umm... I'm not officially telling you this, especially not as far as the Initiative or Buffy knows, right? But umm... we have hostile seventeen. His name's Spike." She was twisting her hair around her finger so tightly that he could see raised ridges of flesh between the red twists. 

"Why did he go to Buffy if she's the Slayer? Why did you keep him? Is he the token mascot or something?" Her statement didn't make sense. Why would they keep a vampire?

"He sort of... thought that Buffy was responsible for his condition. Then, once we convinced him that we didn't do it, we were worried that whoever did could become a danger to us. He had a bit of information, and that way we know exactly where he is."

"Last week, I would have insisted that the Initiative was no danger to anyone, not anyone human. I would have said that Buffy and the rest of you would be in no danger at all." He glanced at Willow, giving a bitter smile at the shattering of that trust. "I wish I could still think that way."

She gave a small sigh, and her eyes were filled with pain and experience and suffering. "Yeah. Life was much simpler back in black and white. Humans were good, vampires and demons were bad. Then, we had some humans causing more trouble than some of the demons, and a vampire helping to prevent the apocalypse, well, two of them on separate occasions. Vampires, not apocalypses. I've lost count of the near apocalypses we've faced. Things get all blurry and confusing."

"I think... those might be interesting stories for some other times." Graham paused, turning over the day's conversation. "I think right now, I just need some time, for everything to sort of settle, you know?"

Graham rested better than he'd expected that night, and felt as if a few things had fallen into place while he'd dreamed. He still was angry, and upset, but not quite as confused and unsettled as he'd been yesterday. He also knew that he had to help Willow get some of that information. He needed to know what had been done to him, and he didn't have the time or skills to decipher everything on his own. But he did have the opportunity to get some of her disks.

Part of him felt that this was wrong, that he shouldn't be shuffling through her files and notes, that he should let her rest in peace and respect her privacy as an individual, and as his superior in the chain of command. But another part couldn't forget ADAM, the carefully stitched together bits of human and demon, and his words of Dr. Walsh as his mother, Riley as his brother experiment. What had she done to them? He would be unsettled and nervous until he knew.

He managed to keep the disks out of sight until history class, and he asked Willow to help him review for the test when the lecture let out. He gave her the disks as they walked to the library, with a murmur of 'You said you were looking for some good disks...'

Who would have thought that a redhead accepting a stack of disks with a little smile and a nod could leave him feeling so relieved?

But Willow was good at helping people, at solving problems. With a smile, a few questions, and a couple minutes, she could figure out something that gave others fits. She had more than intelligence, she was the most caring and compassionate person that he'd ever met. Which was why she helped Buffy save the world, and was helping a chipped vampire that had tried to kill her, and was even now helping him sort out his confused feelings. It was the same reason why she was willing to try to decipher Dr. Walsh's notes and determine if a group of soldiers that had been experimented on, even if she'd never even met most of them.

"If I ever start taking someone like that for granted, someone slap me. Hard." Graham muttered the words to himself, wishing once again that he could talk to Forrest, share his concerns with his talkative friend. But Forrest was gone.

He wasn't certain how he managed through the rest of the week, but eventually, he realized that it was Saturday, and he was done with his classes for the week. Maybe he could check and see if Willow had deciphered anything useful from those disks? He headed towards her house, stopping on the way to pick up some coffee for them both.

He knocked on the door of her parents' house, hoping that she would be there, that he hadn't came out here for nothing. The door opened, and he caught a glimpse of the person inside. It wasn't Willow, it was a lean blond man, very pale, somewhat familiar, although he couldn't quite place him. Seeing him on the porch, the blond started to swing the door shut again, cursing with a British accent.

The accent and the half smothered look of alarm were enough to place the man, if that was the right term, as Hostile 17, although he thought Willow had called him Spike. Why was Hostile 17 at Willow's house? "Open up! I need to talk to Willow!"

Listening carefully, he could hear the vampire talking to someone, his voice muffled by the door. "Red, there's one of those soldier boys at the door. Can you make him go away? I can't very well eat him, not with this chip..."

Hearing those words, Graham decide that microchips were a blessing from above, and a great idea from the Initiative, perhaps the only one they'd had. He certainly didn't like the idea of some vampire eating him, or Willow.

The door opened again, slowly this time. Willow's face peeked around the door, and she smiled when she saw him. "Graham! Hey, good morning, err, afternoon." She opened the door, gesturing for him to come inside.

Following her into the house, he noticed that all the drapes were firmly shut, and there were some books scattered on the table, as well as a mug that appeared to be half full of blood. That pointed to the idea that Willow had somehow ended up... vamp-sitting? "Willow, why do you have a vampire in your house?"

"It was too crowded elsewhere, and he was getting on everyone's nerves, so I brought him over here. He makes the place feel a bit less empty, if that makes any sense. And, well, he has that chip, so it's not like he's going to hurt me." Her voice was so calm, as if it was only logical to take a vampire home with her.

"Uhhh, if you're sure." He sat down, handing her a cup of coffee. "Did you get anywhere with those disks?"

"What disks?" The vampire was looking at him, his expression one of suddenly focused predatory intensity.

"I gave Willow some disks to see if she could decipher anything useful off of them. Dr. Walsh built something horrible... I'm hoping there will be information on how, and why, and a way to defeat it. She also may have done something to us..." His voice trailed of as he contemplated the words of the creature again. '...my brother, she created you as well, with her drugs and her pills.'

The vampire leapt to his feet, his whole body tense with some emotion. "Red! Is there anything on those disks about this chip? An off switch, directions for removal, an override or something?"

Willow had settled herself at a computer, coffee at her side. Glancing at them both, she gave a slight smile. "Yes, yes, and no. I've got some progress with the decryption, there's a lot of notes and charts and diagrams. I'm still working on most of the stuff about ADAM, but I think there's the whole thing in here. There's some stuff on the chip, but all I've got so far are theories on why and how it works, and a location diagram for implantation, and some notes on how to anesthetize a vampire. I got a bit more progress on some of her other notes, although not enough for it to all make sense. The bad news is that she wanted to make a whole lot more ADAM's, and she was preparing you guys for it, something about some immuno-suppressants to prepare for surgical grafting, and there was some stuff about the vitamins."

"She was tinkering with her soldiers? What good would that accomplish? Can you take the chip out using that diagram?" Oddly, the vampire's first question paralleled Graham's thoughts quite closely.

"Typical mad scientist complex, she wanted to build a better minion... err, soldier. One that would have better physical abilities, wouldn't get sick, and would be absolutely loyal to her. It would take a surgeon to get the chip out, and I'm not a surgeon, I'd probably give you serious brain damage if I tried. There's a lot more that I haven't got deciphered, but... I think she put a lot of the stuff into your vitamins. Minerals, hormones, steroids, some other stuff... although they do actually contain vitamins, including calcium and vitamin C."

Graham could only sit there, aware that his dismay was mirrored in the vampire. Both of them had been tampered with, altered without their knowledge or consent, and now they were trying to figure out a way to live with the consequences.

end Experiment?


	4. Where Do I Go?

Moments of Initiative 4: Where Do I Go?  
  
Author: Lucinda  
rating: pg, pg 13  
Main Characters: Willow, Graham  
Disclaimer: I own nobody from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  
Distribution: Bite Me, please?, NHA, WWW, WillowGraham... anyone else, just ask.  
  
  
  
Buffy had fought against ADAM, aided most visibly by Riley and Spike. He'd known that Willow had helped, had seen to many things moving that otherwise wouldn't have to not know that there had been more aid than just the two guys. He hoped that Spike had made it through safely. It wasn't exactly that he liked the vampire, but he did respect him, and it was obvious that Willow had a soft spot for Spike.  
  
For Willow's sake, he wanted the vampire to have made it through everything intact. He'd come to know Willow a lot better while she was decoding the Initiative disks for him. She gave for her friends without reserve, helping in any way that she could. She would cut sleep to help someone, and had a tendency to get so wrapped up in what she was doing that she forgot to eat. Spike seemed to help take care of her, to listen when Willow needed to let something out, and he made sure that she ate. Did Spike have some sort of feelings for Willow? Maybe... If so, she would be safer with someone watching over her.  
  
He had the feeling that Willow's life wasn't going to be getting any easier in the future. The little fact that somehow, Buffy and her team had collapsed the Initiative complex to contain ADAM had caught the attention of the people that had arranged the Initiative project. They were not happy with the things that had happened in Sunnydale, and had showed up, debriefing the surviving personnel in preparation for re-assignment. There would be no more secret underground installation in Sunnydale, no more Initiative. He would be leaving Sunnydale, leaving his newfound friend Willow. Knowing that there would be someone to keep her safe made things a bit easier.  
  
There had been so many questions about what had happened here, from higher officers in the military. To his almost surprise, he'd found himself editing his answers, not giving them all of the information. He left out everything about Willow's magic, left out any knowledge of the current whereabouts of any of the 'non-human research subjects'. No sir, he did not know why Dr. Walsh would have experimented in such a way. Presumably, sir, the composite creature would be underneath the rubble of the Initiative complex. He had the feeling that if he brought up the magic or vampires helping that it would go badly for him. The people debriefing him knew that there were things that went 'bump grrrr' in the night, but they refused to use the words 'demon' or 'vampire' labeling them as non-humans instead. Best not even mention magic...  
  
In the end, they gave him two options for reassignment, not the normal procedure, but the Initiative had hardly ended normally for anyone involved. Especially not for those who had died. Someone had decided that 'non-humans' were still a threat, and they had decided to organize a team to seek out and kill them, no more bringing them back for experiments and research. The other option for him was a perfectly normal base in Fort Lauderdale, doing some repairs on general electronics.  
  
Graham wasn't certain which option sounded better. He was still all twisted up inside from the destruction of the Initiative, the sight of Forrest, altered into the same sort of creature as ADAM. That had hurt, far more than the falling debris that had struck his shoulder. He'd had to watch his friend die all over again, something which had burned and stung like acid. He needed to sort out his thoughts.  
  
He'd been trying to sort out his thoughts unsuccessfully when he stopped to get a cup of coffee. He noticed Willow sitting in the corner, looking unhappy about something. Maybe he could help cheer her up.  
  
"Hi. Is this seat taken?"  
  
She looked up, her eyes startled, surrounded by unexpected dark circles, her skin pale and almost waxy. "Now it is."  
  
"You look... Good God, Red, what have you been doing?" He couldn't help the question.  
  
"Same old... research the big problem, find a way to deal with it... help Buffy with her psych notes that she didn't take because of the whole thing with Riley... and there's the whole after effects of the... big party over the weekend, with our mutual not-friend ADAM." Her voice sounded tired.  
  
"How much did that take out of you?" He was worried, she looked as if she hadn't slept for a long time. Exactly what had she done in the complex?  
  
"Well, the basic telekinesis wasn't to bad until it was time to teleport the reactor away, but the whole mind meld thingy... I had Spike and Xander and Buffy's dreams and fears going through my head ever since. It's kept me up." She managed a small smile.  
  
"Spike and Buffy? I hope they didn't umm... bump into each other?" Graham was considering the things he knew, and he didn't think it would be good to merge the minds of a vampire and a slayer, or actually a vampire and anyone mortal...  
  
"No, the me, Xander, and Buffy merge was first, then came the me and Spike merging. It left me with this horrible headache, and then I couldn't sleep... It was bad. I think all I need is some time... but I now know far more about all three of them than I'd ever expected, some of which is the stuff I never wanted to know..." Willow shuddered, apparently thinking about some of the memories she'd experienced.  
  
"So, did you take anything for your headache? Will the other memories fade?" He hoped that she hadn't been scarred for life by mind-melding with a vampire.  
  
"I took far more types of headache medicine than I should have... it dulled it a bit. I truly hope those memories fade... I do NOT want to remember kissing Cordelia or... anything that Spike and Dru did in the bedroom... and I most certainly didn't want to see Riley like that. Ever. He's a nice guy and all, but..." Willow shuddered again.  
  
"Well, that makes my problem seem a lot smaller. I'm being reassigned, but they gave me two options. Should be much easier than repressing memories of your friends' sex lives."  
  
"Please, can we talk about your choices? I've got some scary visuals right now..." Her smile, even if it was a bit weak brightened her face and warmed Graham's heart.  
  
"Scary... I suppose that makes sense. Mind if I walk you back to your place? We can talk there... without blocking the table for other people." Meaning that they could talk more freely out of the public, that they could mention vampires and demons and government assignments.  
  
"Sure. You can make sure I remember to turn where I'm supposed to, and look before walking into the street." She had tried to smile, to make the words sound like a joke, but the effort fell a bit flat.  
  
"What else are friends for?"  
  
"Here? Sometimes to watch your back on account of scary things in the dark." She managed a smile that time, although there was still a lot of pain in it.  
  
"Good point." That sincere acknowledgement of the realities of the hellmouth was the most serious thing on the way back, as Graham talked a bit bout how 'the guys at the frat' were adjusting to their house 'inexplicably' collapsing. Some of the anecdotes were quite amusing.  
  
A short walk found them settled once again on the couch of the Rosenberg house, sodas in hand. Willow was watching him, as if trying to pluck the information from the air around him, or from his very thoughts, which she actually might be capable of doing... Perhaps he'd better explain things before she started mind-melding, he definitely didn't want any third hand memories of Riley and Buffy... Yuck.  
  
"Some other people in the military, I don't know names, but they're highly placed, thought that the idea of a task force to take out demons, rather, 'hostile non human creatures of unknown origin' was a good idea. Still using top grade weaponry and equipment, but no experimental labs this time, just find the menace, destroy the menace, move on. It sounded like it would involve a lot of relocations, and they'd approached some of the other Initiative guys about it as well." He looked at the ice cubes in his glass, pondering some of the details they'd mentioned, statistics on attacks and body counts.  
  
"What's your choice if you don't want to chase demons anymore? I mean, regardless of whatever fancy term the people in charge give them, that doesn't change the fact that you'd be hunting demons. What if you've had enough of nasty things that aren't supposed to be real trying to eat you or your team mates? What if you just want to go somewhere and stick your head in the sand?" She looked curious.  
  
"Fort Lauderdale, beaches, sunshine, basic repair work. Probably be pretty safe doing that as well. Might never even see a demon or vampire..." Graham's voice trailed off as he considered that image, and it suddenly seemed so shallow and empty.  
  
"Spike said once that there were generally a lot of vampires in that area, the sort of places that get swarmed for Spring Breaks. Lots of easy prey, and nobody cares if someone vanishes, they just think they went home." She didn't even seem to consider the fact that in any other place he knew of, that statement would have sounded outrageous.  
  
"Red? You do realize that in any other town in the world... You just shouldn't say things like that? And, do I want to know how he knows about that? Did he go for the Spring Break..." Graham's words slowed, as he considered one thing: Did he really want to know the answer to those questions?  
  
Willow giggled, putting the glass on the table as she almost collapsed into laughter. "I know that silly... that's why we aren't having this conversation in public. Are we even officially having this conversation? And Spike didn't do the snacking on college kids, said they tend to be a bit to sweet, and heavy on the beer. Clashes with his whiskey. You really don't have to understand him Graham, he's just... Spike."  
  
"You really have skipped too much sleep if that seemed that funny to you."  
  
"I know. But, Graham, I think you've already made up your mind what you want to do, just from the way you explained your options. You said you could go hunt demons and travel a lot, or just go fix electronics. You didn't seem to show much enthusiasm for the idea of Fort Lauderdale." Her eyes were still twinkling, while her expression was serious.  
  
He considered her words, and thought back to how he'd phrased the explanations of his two job offers. It did sound like he was more interested in the demon hunting. "You're right, again. Don't you ever get tired of that? What if... I won't be able to drop in for coffee anymore."  
  
"You can email me anytime. I'd say you could call, but... email's a better way to get a hold of me. You can email me anytime, about anything you want to talk to me about. I'm still going to be your friend, regardless of where they send you."  
  
Graham hugged Willow, trying to memorize her scent, the feeling of her being in the same room, so that he would remember her support in the time ahead. "You're a great friend, Red. Tell Spike to take care of you, and I will email you, count on it."  
  
end Where Do I Go? 


End file.
